This coming weekend sees the first retreat for those the Bloggerati, the wonderful group that write your blogs, provide you with hints and tips and other goodies on the website. It’s also the first retreat I have ever attended so it should be a time of great excitement. Behind the scenes, everyone is talking about what to bring and what projects to do.
At this moment in time, I can’t even think about that, I’m busy talking myself into actually going. Months ago, it seemed a great idea. Month by month, I paid my deposit and then the full total and then the panic set in. Let me explain a little.
After the birth of my second child, I had postnatal depression and as part of that, my natural introversion became something much bigger. That front door became a big barrier to the outside world where I didn’t want to be. I was happy at home with my boys and, as they got older, I would force myself to go out for them.
Over the years, the feeling of panic about going out lessened a bit, but it came back with a vengeance some years ago. For about three years, I didn’t go out alone, at one stage, I couldn’t even go out of the back door to hang out my washing.
Thankfully, that has passed and to anyone looking in, everything is ok. However, even though I have a full time job, every time I go out is planned, I’ve talked myself into going and everywhere I go, it has it’s safe places. It certainly gives me the empathy when working with my students, when I see the panic in their eyes at unfamiliar situations, I’m right there with them. I help them develop their coping mechanisms, just as I’ve developed mine.
My crafting and quilting is my safe place, it helps me to deal with having to go out in the real world where I have to meet and interact with people. It gives me time to allow my brain and body to relax and I need regular doses of it to be able to continue doing what I do, so we come back to the retreat.
When it was first announced, I thought it was a great idea. I would get to meet in person the people I speak to in the group in person. We’ll all have the opportunity to develop ideas and get to know each other better and it will be a great opportunity to be immersed in the quilting world.
On the other hand, I am going to a place I don’t know. I haven’t been able to plan my parking, I have no control over the room I will be in and I will be meeting, face to face 25 people I didn’t even know virtually a year ago! I have been so tempted over the last month to give up my place, even if I didn’t get my money back. Just as in the picture, I have this battle going on in my head telling me I’ll be ok, we’ll have a good time, what if??? And I know, if I don’t go, I’ll regret it as soon as Friday night came.
For now, I am going to try and squash all those thoughts into a smaller corner of my brain and actually decide what to take with me. Who knows, when I get there, someone else may be feeling the same way and will want to hide in my corner too.