This is my last week of my lockdown diary. I thought that once the lockdown was over it would be the end of it. I had no idea that just over a year later we would still be in this pandemic. For those that have lost loved ones you have my heartfelt condolences.

Day 100: Stem Stitch orange perle thread.

Diary Entry: Sunday. The wind was giving it some really strong gusts, I could hear the tent flapping. I still didn’t want to get up and function that day. I had a headache over my right eye, my shoulder hurt. I had something to eat at twelve and then returned to bed. At just before three I figured I would brave the downstairs. Hemmed some scrubs and started preparing tea. My eldest is home and I feel the stress within my body. It’s like walking on egg shells. I feel low and depressed. Trapped within this house, no longer feeling like my home. Not sure how to change the situation. I am the brunt of both the girls anger and feel lonely because my husband is dealing with his own stresses and won’t open up to me, sometimes I just can’t handle all their stuff let alone my own.

I am also losing the movement in my shoulder and feel that doctor isn’t interested, just some silly older woman. I now struggle to move my left shoulder behind my back. It hurts more than it used to and daily tasks are harder than normal. Sick of the pain and of feeling so low.

I want to walk away from my chatty ladies as I feel not worthy of them. My own family hates me why I am of interest to others. I keep thinking where did I go wrong with the girls. Maybe I am like my own mother, I can’t stand her and history is repeating etc.

Day 100 of lockdown. It is now beginning to grate on me. To some I have a nice, home, family around me, all these tools and gadgets. But materialistic things mean nothing if you’re lonely.

My stitches today are stem stitch symbolising the stem of time. The number 100 for a 100 days in lock down. And it is enclosed for both effect and to represent the entrapment of this house and of my own painful body.

Day 101: None achieved.

Diary Entry: Monday cleaning day. Took me all day and could not focus. It did not help as I found a rip in the ceiling of our tent, so that meant a good few hours lost to moving the stuff out and taping up the split.

Cleaning was delayed and everything was hard work from then on. I felt too low so no sewing. I could not even start the week’s new stitch week challenge. Still getting crap from eldest making me feel like shit. Had bloods done at doctors so not felt the best.

 

Picture taken from day 12 of the diary.

Day 102: Again none done.

Diary Entry: Sewing with the ladies, socially distanced as normal although we didn’t end up sewing. We did Thi Chi to start the day as we all arrived stressed. I reversed while parking into my friend’s car and scratched it, very tiny but it upset me, she was great about it bless her. I had also had a phone call, my bloods showed I was pre-diabetic. So that was on my mind. Once we had balanced we chatting all morning. Then lunched and chatted again. We sorted some of her fabric out and helped clear another pile. Some off to charity, some she could use.

When I got home I was wiped. A quick tea of Bubble and squeak with cold pork and baked beans was all I could manage to do. I was too tired to sew so did nothing. I now considered stopping this diary.

Picture from day 36 of the diary.

Day 103: straight stitch, sewing cotton. White.

Diary Entry: Chatty ladies. Then I was meant to be going shopping, let eldest know I was ready. No response so went down for nap after waiting nearly 2.5 hours. I am stressed to high heaven with her. Did spaghetti and meat balls for tea. Messaged them expecting neither to come down, both did. I chose not to say much. It was my turn to be the child. It was quite liberating being the one doing the ignoring and not the other way round.

Felt like sewing tonight. Still not looked at this week’s challenge, I am not sure why. Head space I guess. But I digress, today I chose to use ordinary sewing cotton, as I wanted a thin shading thread which would show some of the foundation up underneath. I then waited on my youngest coming down to watch television with me.

Day 104: Triple wound French Knot with six strand variegated embroidery thread.

Diary Entry: Up and out the house and achieved my first solo trip into two shops. Wilko and a music shop. Wilko was not nice, shopping doesn’t have that same feel anymore. And the music shop was just to pick up Kira’s base. Then I managed to get home. Have a coffee with chatty ladies and started the housework. Noticed the tape had come away on the tent and a puddle had formed on the floor and water had pooled inside. Luckily I had been given a broken tent to use the fabric for. So as a temp measure we have covered the roof. Hoping the wind does not rip it off; if it can stay dry I still have a sewing space and storage area for the scrub hub. Again cleaning delayed and I was wiped out. A nap was in order and pasta bake made for tea. I waited for the nurse to phone re my bloods showing pre-diabetic. I am 42 on their scale so very borderline. Well three months of steroids – all you can eat tablets and yes I did eat all I could eat- and then having to shield because of said tablets meant no exercise. What do the doctors expect? How many more people will be like this?

Today’s sewing Stitch is again French knot with variegated thread. I like the thicker look. More randomised and sewn at speed to help with the randomising of it.

End of diary.

I haven’t sewn anymore on that project. Not sure if I will again. It helped serve some focus for my mind at the time and I found it fun. Re-reading the last parts of the diary have also shown me the warning signs of what was to come. It meant months of debilitating pain and depression, fatigue and more lockdowns. However, my recent blog, it’s okay to be not okay covers all that.

I am coming out of the darkness slowly.

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